I'm not a person who really ever has many moments when I'm just plain grumpy. I'm not really even that way in the morning. (Of course, being single, maybe I don't honestly know. My dogs might say otherwise.)
No, generally I'm upbeat. However, for the last couple of days, I've been what has felt like truly grumpy. I don't think outwardly I've shown it, but I sure have felt it myself, and it's bothered me because I'm just not used to wandering around that way.
At first I wasn't sure what it was, I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it started to come into focus. I recalled when my Mom would say something about Dad being grumpy because he had been forced to realize he was wrong about something and it didn't sit well with him, so he was quietly grumpy. (Mom was usually snickering when she said that.)
It hit me that in all likelihood, that's what was going on with me.
I won't get into the gory details, because the lesson to be learned from what I'm writing doesn't actually have anything to do with the specifics but rather what I realized from the outcome.
I don't know why the timing was such that this happened over the weekend, but in that time, I started to consider that my gut feeling about something had maybe been wrong, and it's something that I don't want to believe, but I think I have to.
I believe there's power in having a positive outlook, never giving up hope, being optimistic, visualizing what you want and thinking if you believe in it hard enough and follow what your gut is telling you, you'll be on the right track.
But the realization hit me over the weekend that, in my old age, I've now come to believe there's a very fine line that separates being hopeful and optimistic, and just being plain stupid.
Optimism and hope are fine to a point, even when others look at you and shake their heads with skepticism and you say, "NO! I'm right. Just you wait and see. I can feel it in my gut. Everything is telling me I'm right."
I think that's been the problem: My gut instinct has now reached the point of conflict. My gut told me I was right to begin with, but now my gut is telling me maybe I was terribly wrong. How can I have that conflict? Which gut instinct am I supposed to believe?! They're both fighting each other.
I laugh about that conflict as it reminds me of when one of my friends had his Dad put together this whole in depth study of my astrological profile. He had commented that Astrology was his Dad's hobby, and that he would be happy to do the full report for me. This was one of those where they need more than just the date and year of your birth, but also the exact minute you were born, where the hospital was located, etc.
When my report came back my friend said to me, "My Dad says he HAS to meet you because he has never seen anybody with a profile that is so full of things that contradict other things. He says this is the wildest one he has ever done. But hey, he says it makes you really fascinating!"
Oh great: The stars are in all-out war in my life. Niiiiiiiice. But hey, it makes me fascinating. Yay me!
So, yeah, it probably only makes sense that my gut instincts like to argue with each other.
It hit me that all of my belief, hope, and optimism has boiled down to me now thinking that I feel pretty stupid. You see, while I'm an optimistic, hopeful person, I'm equally a realist. I have an extremely realistic, logical, practical approach to things. (Refer back to that previous astrology report.)
So while I can wax poetic about hopefulness and optimism, I can also be saying at the same time, "Okay, let's look at this logically."
Just call me Yin and Yang.
I think what it boils down to is I had this cringing realization and I suddenly thought, "You know, girl, I think you may have been really wrong about this. Your optimism and faith have now taken you over the border into Stupid Land."
As I said: That border is a very fine line.
And now cue grumpiness.
I'm not one to give up hope, but I'm also not digging this feeling of thinking that I've been really stupid. I'm not sure what side of that fine line I'm going to end up on in this case.
In the meantime, me, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Doc are going to hang out for awhile.
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